"Oh no! ...What happened?"
"Well, apparently, as far as anyone can tell, he was 10-speeding a gazillion miles an hour through Central Park, racing with all the other young Turks... when apparently he caught his own reflection in the handlebar mirror and became so aroused by it that he burst his Speedo shorts, which then got caught in the gears and just threw him right on his face, just splattered. Luckily someone had the presence of mind to scrape his face off the pavement and put it on ice. Doctors were able to graft most of it back together."
"I'm so sorry."